From A to Z by me

Exercise: LEAP OUT OF DENIAL

OK, I guess that's going to be a long list. I am currently not happy about the way I look, I am stressing about my weight, always willing to lose some pounds as believing that these pounds are keeping me away from something amazing. I am not happy about my lack of enthusiasm: loosing that spark I had before and been known for is killing me, I want to be interested in everything again, do all random things, just be busy and enjoy the life. My job? Don't get me wrong, I like it but 6 years is a bit too much, maybe if it was another company, however, I am the one who always doesn't manage to fill the application, cancels the interviews, gets cold feet and is petrified of being rejected. My all friends are getting their own places, but I am feeling like a loser who is still renting and is struggling with my finances. People around are getting serious: engagements, weddings, pregnancies, moving in with other half - apart from me, I am with my boyfriend for 2 years now, sometimes I do not know where are we heading to. I done a degree in journalism and PR, I loved writing and only imaged myself as a journalist working in a glossy magazine, but this is far away from reality. I am afraid that I am not good enough, that people are not interested in what I have to say. I guess I just find excuses to delay and do something. I am lacking of self confidence. As I say, I need a kick in the bum, someone to push me. I am not certain about many things, I feel useless and not being able to sort my life. I used to be ambitious, have loads of goals and dreams, never accepted NO for an answer. Now the story is different, I just go with the flow, I am like this frog, I am in the boiling water and don't do anything to get out from the pot.

I guess I just blame others, blame the situation, myself. I see everything painted in dark colors, no hope or light around, just pessimism, anger, sadness. If there is something which can be done, I don't believe in myself that I can make any changes, that I can do anything do make it different, make it better.

Recently I am completely lost, I am not playing any part in my life, I am just going with the flow: I wake up, go to work, come back, eat, go to bed. I lost interest, that buzz inside you when you get excited waking up in the morning to do something. I do plan, try to get myself back to normal, but as soon as the new day comes, I am making excuses not doing anything, just vegging out (the term I sometimes used from Pretty Woman). Usually I am even physically not able to make myself get up from bed and do something.

This month just started, so I guess I will go through the last one, April. It happened that I received the letter from the Council telling me to make a tax payment for over a thousand, which I am not doing as my contract says "all inclusive", I had some medical problem happening which made me alert about my well being. I was working 5 days a week which is a lot when you fly, it makes you exhausted. I was more like zombie at the end of the week. On top of that, my boyfriend is living with my now for a bit and it was getting on my nerves as he was not working, he was always at home and I didn't have my "ME" time, I started to be stressed and upset about any bit: his dirty laundry, bed not being made, him not doing any tidying. I also was invited to attend the wedding with him, however, didn't manage to get a day off. Everything was going downhill and it has been last few months. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to moan but sometimes I just need to talk to someone and be listened, I love my boyfriend and our relationship is great now (we had a massive argument during our city break in Dublin which almost made us breakup, but we made it and now it is better than ever).

I believe that I am the most unlucky person in this planet, that all the bad stuff is happening to me. I feel useless of changing anything, it looks as it doesn't work if I try dealing with my issues. Or at least if I sort something, another thing is going to happen and it is like a closed circle.

Today I watched the trailer of "Eat, Pray, Love" and I started to cry. Stupid, but I remembered my friends telling that this is me, I always like to find myself. I am not happy about the current situation, I do not like where I am and what I am - visually I hate what I see in the mirror, but I do know that I can change it, I just need to get a grip to start doing some sports, get in that healthy mode which I adored before. I hate where I am work wise, I wanted to fly but only for few years, I do not see myself doing it for the rest of my life, but I am too scared to make any changes and do something. I want to find that inner peace with myself and enjoy the life.

I am thinking that I have depression: I guess I am a bit of that kind of person who can get a bit moody and it is tough to get back on track. I am scared that I am wasting my life, my years, my youth and potential. I don't want to be a failure but I feel like one.

Last time we almost had an aircraft accident, I found out all the details after the day. It made me realize that I could have been dead, this really shocked me, I was having difficulty of sleeping for few weeks after. I don't want to die, I am afraid off it. There are still more things I want to do in my life, I still have my list which I wrote ages ago and still have it hanging on my wall in front of me now. I want my parents to be proud of me, I want to be happy and I would regret not doing all those things, not making myself wake up from this sleep, from being apathetic to life. I would regret of not living my life and enjoying it. I want to live and not only exist.

It says I should read it to my friend/witness but I am sharing it with you, whoever you are. I do not need any advice, no comments, just listen to me. Let me acknowledge my situation, let me get it all out. At the end, I can believe I am the one to blame, I am the one who was putting myself down, who is making myself sick. I am responsible for my own life, I can make the things work, if I could make this damage, I can fix it too. It might not be easy, it might take me longer than normal, but I know I can do it. I have to get rid of that "boiled frog syndrome" and let it kill me inside slowly.

I done this baby step one and leaving another for tomorrow. My head is already spinning and I am getting a bit emotional of how messed up I am.

To tell the truth, I am afraid of frogs. I can pick up a little baby frog, apart from that, I will start screaming and running if I see one. This picture made me smile at least.