From A to Z by me

Well it was almost a week since my friend and I went to fish pedicure. After scoring a deal with Groupon, I managed to arrange the dates and one nice afternoon we headed to Greenwich (first of all, we went for a nice walk) and ended up in the place. It didn't look too good, we had massage done by a guy (well according to my friend, if he was good looking, this would have been more exciting). So half an hour dipping (it felt amazing, those little ones nibbing you, feels like someone is ticking you), then a scrub and nice foot massage. You don't want to do anything after, just sit down and relax. I had to go for a floatation experience but cancelled (OK, I didn't bother to call, just didn't show up) as I was too relaxed/sleepy/lazy of doing anything.

I am aching today, barley can move. I am a bit slow on catching new trends (well I guess you can call Power Plate so 2010)And this comes after I went for Power Plate session. 20 minutes of squats, lunges, press ups and all other exercises: I feel like I have been doing 2 hour workout. It really works. I have been quiet pessimistic (yeah, sure..."An hour workout in 20 minutes" say slogans). I am once again proved wrong. Being instructed by personal trainer in Fitness for Every Body was enjoyable: was given new information and advice how to improve my overall fitness. Body Pump used to be my favorite class (try it if you haven't, it is great fun and results are quick) so doing squats, lunges or planks are not so challenging for me, but I was struggling to keep with push ups and triceps' dips for one minute (shame on me once again). I am hooked up, planing of joining it after I get back from the wedding. Looking forward to make my body wobble on magic plate and become slimmer.

It is great to be on holidays and so difficult to be back to your normal life. I went home (which is Lithuania in my case) and had amazing time. OK, maybe I am exaggerating it a bit. I was helping my parents with their business (hotel and restaurant): I was trying to overtake my dad's job to let him rest a bit, also do some bits of my mum's duties that she doesn't need to work 24/7. My day started at 6 am (keep it in mind that there is 2 hour difference, so that means I was waking up 4 am British time). I was usually done by midday and had the rest of my day off. We went to play paintball which was amazing, if you haven't tried, you don't know what are you missing. Also done some travelling around. And not to forget the best, I was eating a lot: no carbs rule was broken, I was stuffing myself with ice creams, chocolates and deserts. I was trying to keep with my new fitness routine (jogging for at least an hour, haven't been doing it for a long, so it takes time to get back to my old self), my running shoes were left to dust and I enjoyed yummy treats instead. The most important thing you usually miss about home (not to mention your family and friends) is food: so I took advantage of it fully. Few kilos up and I am back to my normal life. I am already missing home (and who wouldn't, I am attaching some pics and giving you a link to my parents' place, well in case if you are around in Lithuania which is not more likely but...). I have a wedding to attend in 17 days so I am trying to follow some strict diet (it is not diet, I am just eating raw food: fruits, vegetables, some dried nuts or so). We will see how it goes. I also had a Power Plate session booked for Friday, having some water tank floatation experience and fish pedicure with my friend on Monday (I will share my experience after). For now, back to work: four days flying out of five. Bring it on.

Last Friday my lovely BF took me for a lunch before our shopping trip. He was leaving for Amsterdam the next day, so we spent the day before doing all things I love - SHOPPING. His friend is in charge there, so we indulged yummy food up there. L'Autre Pied might be one star Micheline place but the interior is simple, delicate and welcoming. Don't get me wrong, if there wasn't so many staff helping you to enjoy your lunch - offering you freshly made bread (I am hooked on seeds and nuts one with some butter spread on top which was melting in my mouth), refilling your water, asking about your experience and explaining every dish - you wouldn't think that this is a top place on the list as it is so cosy. I enjoyed my lovely Chilled Courgette Velouté, Feta Cheese, Hazelnuts, Roscoff Onion, Basil Oil" for starters. And then indulged myself with "Pan Fried Cod, Crushed Potatoes, Baby Carrots, Carrot and Star Anise Pureé, Tarragon Sauce" (I do not eat meat, so I always go for fish or vegetable dish when I am eating out). OK, the only thing was that I didn't pay attention and overlooked that it has Anise Pureé and I am not a fan of it. Apart from that, it was amazing. We were treated by the big man with some extra dishes which I can't recall the names of them. If you want to enjoy nice atmosphere, good customer service and delicious food - this is one of the places to go.

Wow. After reading the introduction I am set back and speechless. This "pessimist" has been ruling my life for way too long. I will give you a list of 10 things your Inner Pessimist is likely to say (I have spotted more than one):

Everyone of us have this Inner Pessimist who holds us back, makes us doubt and lose our hope. I was writing the list and at the end of every statement making my remarks: this person inside you doesn't have right to put you down, you are great in every way. I might be carrying some extra pounds, but I can always hit the pavements and start jogging. I might not be rich and posh but that doesn't make me worse than them, moreover, I am the one who can make myself work to it, being rich is achievable if your main goal is only money. No one is stupid, we might have different range of abilities but at the end, we are always good at something. Ugly? We girls, always moan about it but at the end we find our prince and live happily ever after, so we are all beautiful princesses but the timing of getting it all is different to everyone. I am not good enough and if you were me, you wouldn't do it...well, let me tell you, you are not me, so that's why I am doing it and taking the risks, making mistakes and learning from them, falling over and getting back on my feet. I am ready for life and it's challenges. Bring it on.

OK, my Inner one is going to be she as I have to match her and be better than her. She should be everything I don't support: someone with blond long hair - extensions of course - and just pretty face, fake nails (OK, I used to have them for a while and I regret it, but I just don't stand ANY artificial things), spray tan all around the year, designer clothes (don't get me wrong, I love labels, but sometimes people don't have personality to wear it, they are wearing something just because it is something which was more than my month's rent and it was by a big name), speaks posh (I don't know if you noticed, but no offence, we have loads of Russian youngsters studying/living in London and they speak posh English which just doesn't go with me. You can straight away assume that they think they are way better than everyone else as they are relating themselves to Royals. Leave posh English for Royals!), doesn't like to be interrupted and always thinks she is right.

I am always hearing that " You're not good enough, you're stupid, you're talentless..." and sometimes I fear that she might be right. She might be right and I am really this fool who is making a laughing stock of myself by trying to do things, change something. Maybe I am wearing pink glasses and seeing world the way it is not. She makes me doubt every single time I need to make any decision. It is like living with someone else, like competing every single day while living your life, making sure you done it right. I fear to be wrong, I fear of being failure.

   2.  How does that script serve me?

It really makes me feel small and vulnerable. I feel like being a kid and following my parents advice, it doesn't challenge me to get out there and do what I want. It makes me feel trapped inside my world.

  3.  What does it cost me?

My life. I miss on every little bit: I lock myself inside and don't live my life. Again, it just makes me exist and nothing more. I can't find the inner peace with myself, I start being depressed and not willing of doing anything.

  4.  When your Inner Pessimist is in charge, how do you feel physically? Exhausted? Wired?

All this thinking makes me exhausted and when I start loosing this hope in me, I start being lazy and lacking of energy, preferring to stay in instead of doing anything. I feel sleepy during the day and awake at night, my sleeping patterns are ruined. It is a real torture.

Awww...sweet

I believe I always blame others for things happening to me and not admitting that I might be in charge if I want to make things work differently. You can not change the things which are happening but you can change your attitude and consequence on yourself. I blame people not hiring me because of my Lithuanian surname as they assume I am another Easter European "rubbish", but I definitely know that I have skills, education and experience. I blame work that it made me so "unambitious", it is not challenging me and I am wasting my potential. I am blaming my parents for some issues which occurred during last years and happen to cause "cold war" (I haven't spoken to them for nearly a year at one point). I am blaming them for not loving me enough, not showing support enough. Fair enough, I know this is stupid when I go through it and only blame other half on the conflict/situation, but I guess this is how the humans brain works: blame others but not yourself.

They reduce my pity of myself as I blame "the others" for what is happening. I can not find the inner peace because I am angry and upset about them and see them as my enemies who cause suffering, failure and sadness. 

It makes me upset, makes me lacking motivation. I usually become apathetic to anything: I better sit at home and don't meet my friends, I cancel my meetings, so social life is almost non existing, I make other people suffer as they have to deal with my mood swings and nagging. I lose that fire to do something, do try new things and challenge myself. It makes me doubt my skills, experience and qualifications. I feel like a plant which is put under the dark lid/cover, so you don't grow and get the heat from the sun, you just exist but not live: every day is just one more day on your calendar, but nothing more.

These are just obstacles on my way to reach my goals, they might slow me down, maybe make me make a leap but at the end I will make it, no matter what as this is me who is charge of my own life, I am my own creator of my path. I am open to new possibilities, new challenges and ideas. When I am set on my path, no one can't disturb me. I am great (I know, sounds a bit like I am full of myself, but you need to be reminded to believe in it) and people who don't think I am have to deal with it, it is their problem. I am not money so I don't accept everyone to adore me, but as long as I have inner peace with myself I am happy. "I'm coming...I what the world to know..." now sounds in my head. 

Exercise: LEAP OUT OF DENIAL

OK, I guess that's going to be a long list. I am currently not happy about the way I look, I am stressing about my weight, always willing to lose some pounds as believing that these pounds are keeping me away from something amazing. I am not happy about my lack of enthusiasm: loosing that spark I had before and been known for is killing me, I want to be interested in everything again, do all random things, just be busy and enjoy the life. My job? Don't get me wrong, I like it but 6 years is a bit too much, maybe if it was another company, however, I am the one who always doesn't manage to fill the application, cancels the interviews, gets cold feet and is petrified of being rejected. My all friends are getting their own places, but I am feeling like a loser who is still renting and is struggling with my finances. People around are getting serious: engagements, weddings, pregnancies, moving in with other half - apart from me, I am with my boyfriend for 2 years now, sometimes I do not know where are we heading to. I done a degree in journalism and PR, I loved writing and only imaged myself as a journalist working in a glossy magazine, but this is far away from reality. I am afraid that I am not good enough, that people are not interested in what I have to say. I guess I just find excuses to delay and do something. I am lacking of self confidence. As I say, I need a kick in the bum, someone to push me. I am not certain about many things, I feel useless and not being able to sort my life. I used to be ambitious, have loads of goals and dreams, never accepted NO for an answer. Now the story is different, I just go with the flow, I am like this frog, I am in the boiling water and don't do anything to get out from the pot.

I guess I just blame others, blame the situation, myself. I see everything painted in dark colors, no hope or light around, just pessimism, anger, sadness. If there is something which can be done, I don't believe in myself that I can make any changes, that I can do anything do make it different, make it better.

Recently I am completely lost, I am not playing any part in my life, I am just going with the flow: I wake up, go to work, come back, eat, go to bed. I lost interest, that buzz inside you when you get excited waking up in the morning to do something. I do plan, try to get myself back to normal, but as soon as the new day comes, I am making excuses not doing anything, just vegging out (the term I sometimes used from Pretty Woman). Usually I am even physically not able to make myself get up from bed and do something.

This month just started, so I guess I will go through the last one, April. It happened that I received the letter from the Council telling me to make a tax payment for over a thousand, which I am not doing as my contract says "all inclusive", I had some medical problem happening which made me alert about my well being. I was working 5 days a week which is a lot when you fly, it makes you exhausted. I was more like zombie at the end of the week. On top of that, my boyfriend is living with my now for a bit and it was getting on my nerves as he was not working, he was always at home and I didn't have my "ME" time, I started to be stressed and upset about any bit: his dirty laundry, bed not being made, him not doing any tidying. I also was invited to attend the wedding with him, however, didn't manage to get a day off. Everything was going downhill and it has been last few months. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to moan but sometimes I just need to talk to someone and be listened, I love my boyfriend and our relationship is great now (we had a massive argument during our city break in Dublin which almost made us breakup, but we made it and now it is better than ever).

I believe that I am the most unlucky person in this planet, that all the bad stuff is happening to me. I feel useless of changing anything, it looks as it doesn't work if I try dealing with my issues. Or at least if I sort something, another thing is going to happen and it is like a closed circle.

Today I watched the trailer of "Eat, Pray, Love" and I started to cry. Stupid, but I remembered my friends telling that this is me, I always like to find myself. I am not happy about the current situation, I do not like where I am and what I am - visually I hate what I see in the mirror, but I do know that I can change it, I just need to get a grip to start doing some sports, get in that healthy mode which I adored before. I hate where I am work wise, I wanted to fly but only for few years, I do not see myself doing it for the rest of my life, but I am too scared to make any changes and do something. I want to find that inner peace with myself and enjoy the life.

I am thinking that I have depression: I guess I am a bit of that kind of person who can get a bit moody and it is tough to get back on track. I am scared that I am wasting my life, my years, my youth and potential. I don't want to be a failure but I feel like one.

Last time we almost had an aircraft accident, I found out all the details after the day. It made me realize that I could have been dead, this really shocked me, I was having difficulty of sleeping for few weeks after. I don't want to die, I am afraid off it. There are still more things I want to do in my life, I still have my list which I wrote ages ago and still have it hanging on my wall in front of me now. I want my parents to be proud of me, I want to be happy and I would regret not doing all those things, not making myself wake up from this sleep, from being apathetic to life. I would regret of not living my life and enjoying it. I want to live and not only exist.

It says I should read it to my friend/witness but I am sharing it with you, whoever you are. I do not need any advice, no comments, just listen to me. Let me acknowledge my situation, let me get it all out. At the end, I can believe I am the one to blame, I am the one who was putting myself down, who is making myself sick. I am responsible for my own life, I can make the things work, if I could make this damage, I can fix it too. It might not be easy, it might take me longer than normal, but I know I can do it. I have to get rid of that "boiled frog syndrome" and let it kill me inside slowly.

I done this baby step one and leaving another for tomorrow. My head is already spinning and I am getting a bit emotional of how messed up I am.

To tell the truth, I am afraid of frogs. I can pick up a little baby frog, apart from that, I will start screaming and running if I see one. This picture made me smile at least.

My last few weeks (OK, I believe it has been months now) were full of self pity, lack of energy and sadness. I was laying in bed instead of doing something. Making the list of things to do wasn't helping at all, as I managed to talk myself out of doing anything. For example, I had to see my friend on Tuesday (I made some nice food, even made my boyfriend help me cook some yummy desert) but at the end I found an excuse which even didn't exist to cancel. Lame. Couldn't overcome myself. Enough is enough. I even didn't bothered to go to Shannon for a rugby game (I don't know much about the rules but no one ever stopped me from eyeing fit guys running in a field), I just didn't show up (I had my alarm clock on but ignored it and went back to sleep). Having "excuse" was not helping either: I told my boyfriend that I was tired. At the end of the day it was true, however, I haven't been doing anything lately so what made me so tired, so uninterested in anything. Few years ago, I was always on the go: meeting my friends, going for some random dates, travelling, going home (I haven't been there since January which is bugging me as I am the one who used to go at least once a month), doing some sports (haven't been able to drag myself to the gym for over a year now), reading (OK, now I better prefer to spend the time with my boyfriend...), going to the movies (been able to see only one this month so far and I used to see all of them). Many times I made a promise to myself that tomorrow is going to be different, I am going to do this or that, however, it never lasted. I miss my old self, I miss those days when 24 hours per day were not enough, I was bubbling, I was alive. It was me and I lost a contact with her long time ago. This is why I have those 4/5 self help books I told you before. The first one on the list is "Making the Big Leap" by Suzy Greaves. I am going to go through 7 steps to improve my life, make it greater and more inspiring, hoping to find old myself on the way. It is advised to keep a journal during the course which I am going to keep online. I am realistic, no one is reading it, so it is more like a diary - I will try to keep it updated every day (but hey, this is me, don't expect miracles, I am not into the routine anymore, it is difficult to force myself to be disciplined).

I guess I am one of those who are always behind with all the trends: like reading Eat Love Pray (I haven't seen even a movie), or starting to be obsessed with new Adele's album (after it been ruling the charts for numerous weeks). So yes, finally I made it and read it all. Most of the time it takes me few days to read a book, but I have some kind of distraction in my life. My boyfriend is living with me (just temporary) and I am taking advantage of it spending all the time together, surprisingly, we haven't killed each other yet after spending 24/7 most of the time. Back to the book: I liked it and even highlighted some lines which are spot on, at least according to me.

"I keep remembering one of my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stoke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it"

This idea is helping me to overcome my moaning when something goes wrong and I start blaming everything around me except myself. Being happy is a hard job: while reading the book you are taken to the journey of someone who managed to achieve the ultimate happiness which makes you determined and inspired to do the same. I guess most of you would love this book as it is related to everyone: someone might also had a bad breakup or divorce, someone is having issues with finding that inner peace with yourself, or maybe someone is so obsessed with diet (Julia Roberts admitted putting some extra pounds while filming in Rome as she started to enjoy the carbs as her character). There is "Liz" in all of us, with her own fears and problems, with a plan to change it (or might be putting it off as you are lacking of courage).

The other quote which made me think comes as "Why must everything be repeat and repeat, never finish, never resting? You work so hard one day, but next day you must only work again. You eat, but the next day you are already hungry. You find love. then love go away. You are born with nothing - no watch, no T-shirt. You work hard, then you die with nothing  - no watch, no T-shirt. You are young, then you are old. No matter how hard you work, you cannot stop getting old" (by the way, the speech is made by Wayan, so she speaks funny as she is from Bali). We run through life and at the end all of us end up at same finish line. I recently been existing but not living: I was working 5 days per week (this a way too much for a flight attendant), come home and go to bed as I didn't have energy left to do anything, I forgot my friends and made excuses not to meet (I haven't seen some of them for ages), I canceled things last minute to stay in bed instead as I was exhausted and for what? Yes, I received more money for my hard work, but I didn't enjoy myself at all, I was existing from one day to another: waking up, going to work, eating, coming back and going to bed. I don't say you don't need to work hard, however, draw a line when enough is enough, when working hard is not making you happy, when it is dragging you down and makes you feel sad, depressed, lost.

There is no world without love and no good book without covering this topic.

..."Good luck. Because you still have a women in front of you, my friend. And you are still a man. It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to become complicated. And love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having broken heart. It means we have tried for something". Felipe, Brazilian man, talks about Westerns coming to Bali and marrying some local girl, thinking they are different, they will be better/easier/not complicated like their western exes.

I guess, it is true, having your heart broken means you have gone for someone, you tried to be happy which might have not worked but this doesn't mean you have to give up. As it is said, there are more fish in the pond, so look for it, enjoy yourself, don't get paranoid if it doesn't happen right away that you meet someone, don't get obsessed with the idea and make it ultimate goal.

I hope I will get into more reading as my man is going away for 3 weeks to Canada, so happy days (just kidding, I am going to miss him to bits...). I have 4/5 books piled on my desk: most of them are self help books which I have never tried before (I guess I am just too sceptical) but it is good to try things out.

Anyways, I loved the book which made me laugh, think, evaluate and make some changes. I try to have healthy attitude about food and had been having some yummy Ben&Jerry's, also some cheese on toast - as long as you don't indulge too often, there is no alert for your waist line - everything must be done in moderation. Yoga...well I am not into meditating, I better prefer working out while doing different poses, as I am too hyper to concentrate and be still (need to work on it). And love, I am in love and enjoy giving love to everyone. I am not afraid to slip and make a mistake because I know at the end of the day, this relationship is teaching me a lot, if it comes to the end, it would be devastating but it would have made me better person.